Do You Have Time? I Have Words.

First, a memorial service update:

We have reserved the church for July 14th. Visitation will begin at 6:30 with a service at 7 PM. Wooddale Church, Edina Campus  5532 Wooddale Avenue South, Edina, MN 55424. Click on the link for a map. I keep repeating this information and will continue to do so as the arrangements evolve. Make sure you don't confuse this church with other Wooddale Church locations around the metro area as there are several. For those wondering, "Why Wooddale and not JoAnne's home, City Church?" CC gathers at Armitage School each Sunday and the space will not accommodate our needs for the memorial. CC is a daughter church of the Wooddale Ministry and they have been generous in offering the Edina Campus. I was there yesterday and it will be absolutely perfect. JoAnne will love it. Pastor John will still be conducting the service with Dayton providing music. Same principals and congregation, different location.

For those coming from out of town, the church is perhaps 15 minutes west of the airport. Very convenient. Hotels on the Bloomington I-494 strip/freeway around and west of the Mall of America will allow you easy access. We are now on a search for a place to hold a bit of an Irish Wake reception afterwards. Saturday night. Two and half weeks. Wedding season. Wish us luck. God will provide.

Also, in lieu of flowers, we have been thinking that memorials be made to the family for distribution to City Church and the UMn Blood and Marrow Transplant Program. We are discussing a matching family contribution, but I fear that some of my close friends who know of my frugality will make an extra large memorial gift just to tweak me <grin>. Further details will follow. End of business for now.

JoAnne would often talk to her friend Sharon who was a good listener, compassionate and a font of spiritual guidance. If I recall correctly, Sharon had another friend who would call and open the conversation with today's title. I need your help kind friend. Will you listen to me for awhile?

What can you say about grief that isn't one big cliche'? How could it not be? Death must rank number 2 in the life experiences we share. If it ever catches up to the first, trouble has befallen us all. In my mind, the process is simple but far from easy. As mentioned in the past, I subscribe to the Kubler-Ross model for grieving. It is worth a sidebar to note that my future as a high powered blogger comes into question when I am repeating topics with only 120 posts under my belt :-)

K-R works for me. Five stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. With some experience, I have added a  descriptor; disorderly. I find myself often moving two steps forward and one back. Some people skip phases altogether or get stuck in one. My plan is to recognize that if or when it occurs and find assistance to keep moving forward. Not everyone agrees with K-R. Scientists and mental health professionals continue to study human behavior and the grief process, with the intent of understanding it better.  I will leave them to their research. I am just trying to get through this and move on with life. I'm not here to establish policy and procedure.

Friends and family have been very supportive. If this grieving lasts too long, I'm going to split the seams on my pants. We are well fed through the gifts of many and my days have been full with social contacts. My living arrangements are filled with support. As many of you know, JoAnne and I lived in what we referred to as the Arcadia Compound. We had a garden level lookout suite in the basement while our two daughters occupied the second floor; one with her husband and the other with our 5 year old grandson and 18 month old granddaughter. At one point, we were a 4 generation household when my dad lived with us. On its own, the Arcadia Compound merits a blog, but I have never figured out how to write about it without aggravating my housemates. Now that cancer no longer occupies so much of our lives, I look forward to finding a way....to share about Arcadia, not aggravate my housemates.

The point, which is on the verge of escaping my short term memory, is that each day is filled with the joy of grandchildren and family. I have that luxury. Alone time is also part of my daily routine. I reflect and spend time thinking about JoAnne and our lives together. I write. It is good therapy and my experience may help some of you who have so far managed to avoid the experience of grief. That brings purpose to JoAnne's struggle with cancer. It wasn't all for nothing if we have learned and grown from it.

With JoJo's illness, we were never certain whether she was going to live or die. We talked about her cancer at great length over the years. What we decided is that she would not wage war. She would compete with CLL to maintain as high a quality of life as possible. There was no denying that the cancer would rob her of physical strength and endurance and eventually, life itself. We would manage that as best we could and rely on the doctors to provide care. However, JoAnne was absolutely determined that she would not allow CLL and the transplant to also steal her heart and soul.

Her physical presence is no longer with us (except for the urn in the living room containing her ashes) but she left a lasting memory of dignity, honor, zealous love of friends and family, joy and faith. If it were just us, her friends and family, I might be less impressed. We who cared about JoJo aren't the most objective when we talk about her. Recently I exchanged emails with her doctor and some of the staff at the transplant clinic. JoAnne and I crossed paths with dozens of BMT professionals during her transplant who see nothing but patients in turmoil. She is remembered by all as an, "Incredible nice person she was...A person that every body loved so much...In even her bad days, never dropped her so wonderful smile. Always kind even in terrible pain/suffering." As long as I live, I will remember the very experienced physician assistant who one day asked JoAnne, "How do you manage to endure all of this with such a smile on your face? Do you have a strong faith?" That meant the world to JoAnne. It was a defining moment as she came to realize that living a life honoring God was visible and inspiring to others.

And so it is with the grief process. It can be viewed as a growth experience where I learn and teach.  My suffering does not match JoJo's, but it is suffering nonetheless. There will be tough days when I just close the doors, hide out and shield against the outside world from seeing my imperfect behavior. Time moves on. I will carry less anger. I will deny, bargain and despair less until all disappears into acceptance and fond memories. Hopefully.


Keep the faith