Further On Up The Road

I sure can't complain about life. It has thrown major setbacks and obstacles before our family as it does to all of us sooner or later. But it has also exposed a resilience, love and faith that isn't always visible when things are going well.

Friends and family, all of you out there, are routinely asking me how I am doing. My response is usually, "You know what? I think I'm doing pretty well." And I know you are looking at me thinking, "It's only been 3 months. He can't be doing well. He is in a major state of denial. Oh, the poor man. He's going to collapse in an overwhelming fit of grief any day now. Tick, tick, tick."

I need y'all to listen up. (I love speaking Texan :-)). Another griever I ran across recently was succinct in their explanation and I long to be succinct (I stole that one). My grief over losing JoJo no longer manages my life. Most of the time, I find myself fully accepting that she is physically gone. I spent weeks thinking about little else but her. Time is a healer. Slowly, my grievous obsession began to abate. I started to experience good minutes, then good hours and finally days.

I now look forward to getting up in the morning and facing the day. I can't remember the last time that occurred. Heck, in my life the only reason I have ever really wanted to be up at 5 in the morning has been coming home from an all night party. I am more nocturnal, but I now see the possibilities that daylight hours present :-)

And I will be honest. It is surprising that progress has unfolded at this pace. I have explained before that losing my Dad suddenly in 2007 was difficult. I was wrapped around the axle for nearly a year after his death. The thought of dealing with the grief of losing JoJo was frightening. Honest. As I munch on the subject, a few reasons why it has been less tortuous than anticipated come to mind.

First and foremost, the possibility of JoJo's premature death was put in front of us over 13 years ago. That fact cannot be overstated. Even the most dim and unaware can adjust to a new reality given that much time. 

The last 2 years were intense. I lost count of the number of times we were on urgent runs to the ER or had hospitalizations over life threatening complications. In retrospect, I am less surprised that she died than that she survived as long as she did. She was tough.

In my career, I spent 35 years on the periphery of health care. Like a nurse or doctor, although not on the same level, I have seen and dealt with a lot of sick people. That warps one's perspective when it is all that is seen everyday. I've got it in balance, but illness does not surprise me. Have you ever seen the magnitude, magnificence and majesty of a place like Mayo Clinic? That place hasn't grown to its current size because we are all healthy, any more than Las Vegas has grown because we all win when we gamble there.

JoJo and I talked about the possibility of her death at length. Simply put, she would not want me sitting around pouting any longer than necessary.

So things are good and moving forward for me. It's not that way for everyone. We all proceed in our own way. I understand. Let me know if I can help. It concerns me that my pace may be a little too quick for our kids and I try to be careful of that. It is almost impossible for our grief to harmonize all the time. It pains me when I am joking around about JoJo or my life without her, and it brings memories and tears to our children. To each of you kids, let me apologize in advance and for past occurrences. I don't mean to hurt you, and I mean no disrespect or lack of love for her memory. I hope you can get to where I am in due time and of your own accord.

If it makes everyone feel better, I did attempt to remove my wedding ring the other day. If for no other reason than I thought I should start the physiologic process of letting the imprint it leaves on my finger undo itself. I put the ring on almost 36 years ago and have taken it off for virtually nothing the entire time. I'm not kidding any potential companions if I take it off and still have a deep imprint grooved around my ring finger. I just look like a desperate, dispirited husband on the make for an illicit affair.  I got it off physically, but I couldn't keep it off emotionally. I found a weakness in my defenses as I was a bit overwhelmed emotionally. OK. I cried. Obviously, taking the ring off signifies leaving JoJo behind. Just those last 3 words are a trigger. But that's good. I've identified an issue and will take time to deal with it. I compromised and moved the ring to my pinky. Its been a few days and that imprint hasn't come close to disappearing. I am not keen on the thought of having to amputate a finger :-)

Besides the ring thing, I've been collecting pictures, video and other memorabilia from the service/reception and I need to post that. It will come via a few posts over the coming days. There has been procrastination likely due to some form of sub-conscious resistance, but I am ready. And there are thank you notes. Egregiously late? I'd say. I chose to put my time into grieving vs etiquette. Something tells me that all of you who have been so...so....indescribably supportive understand. Especially if I can stand here and honestly tell you that I'm getting through it. In one piece.

And The Beast Goes On